Justaroundme's Blog

Questions and confusion

Posted in Personal by justaroundme on February 10, 2010

I read this Sns’s post,instead of rambling in her comments section,thought will write a post.

The 2 different groups – childless and childfree,both groups have their own challenges…

Childfree :This group deliberately have delayed or decided not to have babies.They will have their own reasons behind the decision. It’s simply their choice.And they are just designated as “self fish”.If I see a couple who are child free ,to me ,it’s just that they have decided to focus,dedicate and donate their energy on things that they are interested in.But they are targeted by endless questions.So if anybody out there contemplating about becoming part of this group,I came across this interesting link .You might find some answers to those intrusive questions.

Childless:It’s great to have babies.But for some unknown medical reasons millions are denied from this joy.With all “assisted pregnancy” treatments,they subject themselves or by others to the emotional trauma on every cycle.I would like to present a situation here.Let’s assume,a couple who had been trying for a baby for many years.After all failed attempts of IVF and IUI,the girl gives up.She thinks about adoption.Now,she has to convince her husband and 2 sets of parents to support her decision.
What if the husband and the parents are not getting her emotional ordeal and they ask her to pursue with the treatments.What should she do at this point?just take all the pricks and drugs simply because she is obligated to the relationship and also she cannot run away from her loving husband and parents.

Honestly, I had some indirect experience with few fertility clinics in Tamil Nadu and their main motive is just money.And the poor souls who are just desperate to feel the touch of their baby’s soft skin are simply succumbed to the trap.(Word of caution,please be extra careful and do a complete research before going to such treatments.No matter how famous the doctor is,just have all the questions answered,especially in Chennai,Coimbatore and Trichy.)

And during that time I came across a woman who had been trying, for about 8 years to get pregnant.She looked well-educated and had signs of her affluent background.As I was conversing with her,somehow we went in to the topic of adoption and I remember she saying
“i will never adopt a baby,i will be trying all kinds of treatments until my menopause”.

Honestly, I was amazed by her determination and I respect it.But, I do have few questions:

1.Why in India especially – “my own blood” is given so much importance.
2.Why adoption is not widely accepted and why is it seen as failure.

Even,if a couple decides to go for adoption ,next they fear about the acceptance of their (adopted) child by the society,which is you,me and all out there.They also get criticisms like “with all the available medical advancements,why did you give up so quickly to adoption”,so please tell me:

    How do you see “adoption” – is it a failure
    How accepting/open are you
    If you have any hesitations about adoption,what are they?
    If a friend/sister/brother/son/daughter – someone wants to adopt – will you be the first person to be happy.

So,I am basically confused,when should a woman resign and say I am just done or should she keep trying until she sees her own baby.I am humbled by the inherent power of women to give birth ,but,when I see them traumatized for the same reason ,I doubt if it’s a blessing or a curse.I am sorry.

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17 Responses

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  1. Titaxy said, on February 10, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    I’ve always wanted to adopt. It’s a far fetched dream for now, but I do wanna do it someday.

    • justaroundme said, on February 12, 2010 at 9:21 am

      wonderful and my best wishes to you ,hey wish me “good luck”- would like to have a girl baby through adoption…

      • Titaxy said, on February 17, 2010 at 11:21 am

        oh of course…best wishes to you dear!!!

        ThanK You

  2. starsinmeyes said, on February 16, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Most women don’t have any power, even if they’re highly educated and supposedly economically independent. And in my opinion, forcing a woman to undergo repeated cycles of treatment, and miscarriages and deliveries…is abuse, plain and simple.

    What most people don’t realise is that parenting is about how you bring up the child, not how s/he joins you.

    All the best to you.

    • justaroundme said, on February 18, 2010 at 1:50 pm

      Thank you .You are right – its all about “only parenting not the way a child joins us”.
      By reading your posts I am getting that ,adoption is not something that can be forced,its “a longing”.very true.

      I am very happy (also touched) to see you blogging about adoption, the issues around it and also your posts are educational too.
      This kind of open discussion will definitely raise awareness and eventually the hesitations/inhibitions should melt away.

  3. june said, on February 17, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    It’s a cultural thing too. When we told my (Chinese) family of our decision to adopt from Taiwan, my father was against it. He didn’t think it was possible for anyone to love a child who was not biologically related to them, the same way. He was also afraid that my non-Asian husband would not be able to truly love a child who was not of the same color, and that it would cause problems in our marriage. But in the end he came around and does not treat either of my children (one adopted, one biological) differently. My extended family was even worse. They just could not understand at all why I would want to do such a thing. But since they are all in Taiwan, I don’t have to hear or care about what they say. =)

    • justaroundme said, on February 18, 2010 at 2:37 pm

      Good that you could stay away from your extended family,some times intentionally or unintentionally they become so influential in our decisions with their prejudiced ideas.

      By reading your recent post about choices,now that i am thinking – yes,you are right ,mostly our choices will be based on our beliefs.Though we are presented with other choices we might choose something according to our beliefs (which may be right or wrong)
      so When one strongly feels about “biological child” – then they would go to any extent ,will take any amount of pain to have it .Right?
      But for some it does not matter ,so they are open for adoption (that’s their belief).

      Now, do you get the answer to your “not the last resort” post – and hope I am making sense.

      My concern is that ,adoption should simply be accepted and its a choice and definitely not something to be frowned upon.

  4. Mist said, on February 24, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    Interesting debate. My husband and I wanted our first child to be adopted as we always wanted to adopt and this is what we discussed even before we got married.

    We were into the processes. But our families were dead against the idea due to societal reasons. Not to mention that many were passing snide remarks. But we anyway went ahead with our plans as we are undeterred. All the while we were child free – but by choice. We did not care when people asked us why we did not have babies and blah blah … or that was there any problem. It was hard to convince anyone that we are child free (and DINKs) by choice and that we want to adopt 2 kids.

    Then our son was born putting our plans on hold. We love him more than anything in this world. Our second child will definitely be an adopted one. And we will love her as much. We are waiting for that wonderful moment to happen.

    We are enjoying every moment of parenting with our first born and are very sure that our second one (who will be as special and unique as our first kid) will bring in a lot more joy as we would have accomplished our biggest dream – of adoption. Of not adopting the child, but the child adopting us.

    • justaroundme said, on February 28, 2010 at 9:32 am

      You tried to explain “child free” concept in India – oh boy that should have been a real challenge.
      In India,most elderly people think that every woman should procreate,else she is considered to be doomed/unhappy/lifeless.
      I am very glad that you are enjoying your motherhood and wish you Good Luck that all your dreams may come true..the yearning will take you to your daughter,I suppose,right?…

  5. Pins N Ashes said, on February 28, 2010 at 3:01 am

    It’s more about the stigma in our society and the way it is put thru. We might be having a happy family going with our adopted children (after all that initial hullaballoo and arguments with the extended family!) when somebody from outside, pipes it in to the children’s mind and they fret and fume in return, their imaginations go wild…if we are able to deal with that situation in the adopted youngsters, it’s the greatest achievement. Then there is the society at large who sees the kids with a different eye, snubs and taunts them… and lack of confidence somewhere growing…

    a lot has to change in the way we think and behave

    Ashes

    • justaroundme said, on February 28, 2010 at 9:48 am

      Exactly,I personally feel that a change in perspective about parenthood is required among elders who are in their 50s to 60s.I am not sure if its possible to achieve the same.In some families they play a vital role in very decision-making process.
      So the daughter/son s families are succumbed to their opinions.

      At the same time – adoption is also slowly becoming a very open topic which is a welcoming change.
      Yes,long way to go..but we as a society will reach there with more acceptance and tolerance…I hope so!

      Thank you for stopping by and welcome!

  6. iniyaal said, on March 5, 2010 at 5:59 am

    Very true. I have been thinking and reading about this for a long time now. You read the adoption blogs in interenet and it looks like so many people around the world adopt moe than one child. But this seems to be impossible in India! We do have a long way to go.
    This is especially true for those people who live close to their relatives. Adopting a child and bringing her up in a place where she will meet her gand parents, aunts, uncles almost on a day to day basis is very risky. Even one single subtle comment from them on the child’s parentage etc will be painful for the child.

    • justaroundme said, on March 5, 2010 at 10:07 am

      Iniyaal ,you are right,it is difficult to convince everyone in the family to accept our choices,especially in our(Indian) kind of family set up where every extended relative will have an opinion about our decisions.But,again we cannot allow others to rule our family right?I know then we will be fighting against almost all our relatives and their prejudiced ideas.I strongly feel that once the husband and the wife are sure and ready for adoption and if they can lead an independent life ,i think no one else ‘s dis-approval matters.Also,as far as I am aware of the adoption consultants say that the (adopted) kid should be made to be aware of the way it joined the family at very young age itself ,say by 5-10 , always best that she/he knows it through the parents.

      I think once the kid understands the special bond of love it shares with the parents ,other siblings and also if the parents teach the kid to discard other hurting comments eventually it will all be fine.Also,its better for the parents to stay away from such people who could possibly disturb their child.

      There are families in India who are happy with their adopted kids,but it just that they are very small in number and so adoption is (bit) challenging in India but definitely not impossible.

  7. iniyaal said, on March 5, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Ofcourse yes… Things have to change and that will happen only if more people start adopting. Sorry if my post sounded like discouragement. I sincerely want to adopt a child, but this process has made me sensitive to many issues surrounding this. Precaution has to be taken while living in India, especially in India’s smaller towns or villages that have joint families. And the difficulty arises when couples decide to have a biological child, in addition to an adopted child.

    And, regarding questions on parentage, true that the child will have to be aware of her adoption. I was referring to social small talk like “you dont resemble both your parents”, or “our family history has always been habits like this and this.. and blah blah”… It will be difficult to keep away from aged parents or in-laws, it will also be difficult to make them sensitive enough to avoid unnecessary small talk. So though I can bring up a child to be brave enough to handle this, a child’s reaction and thoughts are not completely predictable. There is every chance that she/he might feel isolated or hurt.

    Those people who decide to live in metro cities in India may not understand this difficulty… They are used to leading independent lives. But people like me who have decided to move back to smaller towns or villages do face this problem. In such cases adopting without changing the hearts of people around us, will be akin to bringing about good changes in society at the risk of my child’s peace of mind… So we have to start working on changing the mindset of people around us, before we adopt the child. And this change needs patience, tolerance, perseverance and more people adopting !

    • justaroundme said, on March 5, 2010 at 10:47 am

      Oh Iniyaal,of course I can get the plight you are talking about and please don’t be sorry ,you did not sound discouraging at all.Deep in the small towns/villages (that you and i are fond of!) it is very difficult.Those in villages they are just not exposed to any other options and changing their mindset as you say will require patience and perseverance.
      Now I am curious to know if there are any “groups” that talk and work on bringing more awareness about adoption in villages/small towns.Any ideas?.

  8. Iniyaal said, on March 13, 2010 at 10:57 am

    None that I am aware of. If you come to know about organisations working on adoption/ adoption related issues in Indian villages, please do let me know.


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